Tuesday, August 7, 2007

And now a message from one of our sponsors...

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Our G-Unit dildos come in three distinct sizes:

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We salute G-Unit Adult Products, yet another proud sponsor of M.I.B.S.

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Feel Good to Be Beatin' a Real Goon, Don'a?

At least, I think that's what he said in "Shawty". Well, ok, enough griping outta me on this blog. I did promise you guys a glimpse into the future, right? I'm supposed to be telling you where things are headed in the next couple of years.

Well, here's my next prediction. Plies is going to be the next big thing. He's next. He's on, so wipe him down. My cousin and I were having a discussion recently about who would be the next big thing in the game now that gangsta rap-- NOT HIP HOP-- is officially dead. (Oops, oh yeah, there's another prediction for you-- Gangsta rap is dead.) Nas & co. gave the wrong diagnosis to the wrong patient. Because gangsta has become so tied in with hip hop's image, some people began to mistake the two for total versions of one another. So yeah, address your flowers & condolensces c.o. gangsta rip, not hip hop. The music really has gotten tired. It's getting so having a rap sheet is more of a qualifier for the music than being an actually TALENTED lyricist. But it's about to change. Remember who said it first. Now don't get me wrong, talking greasy on a beat will NEVER go out of style, but if you don't have ANYTHING ELSE to bring to the table, it's not going to sell. Some big name hip hop cd's from some big name "gangsta" artists *cough*CURTIS*cough* are going to flop, hard.

Whew, so anyway, my cousin disagreed somewhat. He said that it still has life, but it's going to take someone who just takes the ignorance of it to awhole 'nother level.

Enter Plies. Man, this dude is one of the grimiest artists i've seen to hit the scene in quite some time. I know we're in a recessed market and everything, but expect his debut to do 2 milly, just like Jeezy's. Plus, in an era where there are legions of "studio" gangstas running around, I really do genuinely believe that Plies has at least done some of the stuff he raps about. And oddly enough, even though his lyrics are really gully and street, he actually does have some real rhyming abilities as well. So yah, big ups to Plies, and early congrats for that multi-platinum plaque. (Quote me on that; I guarantee you it's going to happen.)

What's really going to be the deciding factor, though, is what he does for an encore.

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They Try'na Play Him, L'il Daddy...

Has anybody else noticed how the media has been trying to caricaturize everything Barack Obama says, to make him into a joke, instead of the truly potent presidential candidate that he is? And because he's a genuinely straightforward guy, one who doesn't have a lot of skeletons in his closet, they're digging up anything they can to sully his image. Republicans want you to believe that he's too inexperienced to be president, and look who's leading the pack in trying to get people to think this way, DEMOCRATIC candidate for president, Hillary Clinton.

For instance, remember a few months back when allegations arose that he was involved in some kind of insider trading scandal. It just so happened that his broker had bought stock in a company he was set to pass legislation on. The way this works is, you give your broker money and he invests it for you in the things he thinks will be good investments. So even though Obama had NO WAY of knowing that his broker would invest some money in a company he was passing legislation about, they tried to play this up to make him look bad.

And now, they're trying to "Howard Dean"* Big Homey once again, by attacking his ideas about meeting with our enemies.
Obama wants to have sit downs with Hugo Chavez, Fidel Castro and Kim Jong-Il; to meet with these very influential, very powerful men, man-to-man and try to affect some real change in the world. And Hillary Clinton, whom i've lost a ton of respect for after these comments, wants to make that seem like the most ridiculous idea ever. She's just politics as usual, somebody who wants to maintain the status quo. Well, y'know, MAYBE if you actually sat down with these people and gave other countries the respect we always expect them to give us (even when we HAVEN'T earned it) they wouldn't want to fly fucking airplanes into our trade centers.

So, just so we're clear. We have a nuclear arsenal, but we refuse to talk to a man with plans of building his own. And we're so against Communism that we refuse to talk to Castro, but our biggest trade partner is China, the largest communist country in the world.

But that's cool.

Someone should remind her that Big Homey is a Harvard graduate, and if she keeps playing him like he's short, eventually he's going to really embarrass her silly ass. Plus, I don't know if she got the memo, but people are sick of this "business as usual" ish. After 9/11 I think a lot of people woke up and realized that we can't just IGNORE these people like they aren't there. So her trying to make him look ridiculous is inevitably going to backfire on her.

But Man I Been Sayin'...

*To "Howard Dean" someone is to make them look ridiculous because of something they've said or done, all the while distracting from the fact that they were, and remain very competent, possibly very credible leaders. Dean was a threat; that's why they made his "Yaaahhhh!!" into a joke. If people actually stopped letting others manipulate their thinking, they would've paid attention to the man's views, and not that stupid soundbite that became sketch comedy fodder for months. C'mon, let's be real, what is it about the man getting excited about the job that makes him a bad potential candidate. Hell, maybe that's what we need, someone who's excited about changing this shit.

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Just want to make it official...

Barack Obama is the coolest presidential candidate ever. So from here on out, everyone will refer to him as "Big Homey".

MIBS has spoken...

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Monday, June 18, 2007

The MIBS Lexicon

The MIBS Lexicon

Coming from Alabama With It- ( Expression) An expression used to describe when a well-endowed man engages in sexual intercourse with a woman.

Variation: Please note that this expression can be used with almost any other location, relative to the user's location. For example, someone from Mississippi can say, "He banged her out, and he was coming from Alabama with it.", but a person from Alabama would not use Alabama, as it would denote he isn't coming from very far at all.

See: Kneecapping it, Ream

Go to the Mattress- (v.) (Expr.) 1. Used to describe an instance where you will utilize every means at your disposal to attack, destroy or otherwise subdue an opponent.

Ex.: I had a dumb bitch recently run a stop sign, causing me to collide into her with my '98 Taurus. Then, she had the audacity to get an attitude with me about it, like I was the one who made her run the stop sign. Luckily, there was very little damage to my car, so I didn't want to get the courts involved, but I swear ta Gawd, had there been ONE dent on my korr (bay area pronunciation of car) i'da went to the mattress on that ho.

2. As relates to a female, this one also has an alternate use. Used to describe an instance where you will utilize every means at your disposal to lace, cake or otherwise give money/gifts to a woman. "Going to the mattress", as it relates to a woman, means the woman is so fine that you'd literally go to your mattress (Back in "the old days" old folk kept their money between their mattresses-- To Hell With Banks!!!) to keep her laced up with money and nice things.

Ex.: Goddam, Pinky from OnionBooty.com is fine. I'd go to the mattress for that chick.

"I'll let it go."- (v.) (Expr.) Used when you have a gun, and you're not afraid to pull the trigger.

Origin- This one has it's origins in a conversation I had with a cousin of mines. We were talking about which rappers had the most violent names in the game. He mentioned to me a guy he saw named "Trigger", (Trigga?) and on the cover of his album he's pointing a gun directly at you. And the name of his album... you guessed it-- "I'll Let It Go". Man, now is that some gansta shit, or is that some gansta shit? This one won the contest, hands down.

Variation: Feel free to invoke the name of the god of gansta rap, "Trigga" when you say this one. Also, please note that delivery is everything. Try saying the "I'll" part a little slow, then speed up as you say, "Let it go".

Ex.: I'ma do like Trigga, nigga. I'll let it go.

N.C.H.S. (n.) - An acronym, meaning, bluntly, a "Nigga Can't Have Shit". It is used to describe the moments when, well, a black man is racially discriminated against, or otherwise encounters difficulty in life associated with his race.

Ex.: James did not receive the small business loan he was hoping for from the bank. Damn, guess a N.C.H.S.

Kneecapping it- (v.) Used to describe a man who is so well-endowed, his "unit" almost reaches to his kneecap, or lower.

Ream (v.)- The act of penetrating or being penetrated sexually, typically in a very skillful or thorough manner. While usually performed by one who is well-endowed; however any man is capable of reaming a chick out, while, conversely, any female is capable of being reamed out.)

Variation: Reamed out, Reaming out

Ex.: Shaqueesha got reamed out by Slim last week.

Slim won't leave ya nothin'-( Expr.) Slim is a generic term for any man who is especially well-endowed. (NO HOMO for all the references to well-endowed men in the Lexicon.) This expression is used to describe a condition where a well-endowed man reams out a woman so thoroughly, that whatever semblance she had of vaginal walls are obliterated and her next sexual partner will inevitably garner little to no pleasure from sexual conference with her.

Variation: Slim didn't leave ya nothin', etc.

Ex.: Don't let Slim get his hands on ya girl, because Slim ain't gonna leave ya nothin'.

"I'll take her to the show."-( Expr.) This is an expression used, interestingly enough, as a gauge to decide how attractive the woman (or man) on your arm is. If you would "take him/her to the show", it means that you aren't ashamed to be seen with her/him in public.

Variation: "You'll take her to the show?", posed as a question.

Ex.: Real conversation i've had:
A friend:"How fine would you say she is?"
Me:"She a'ight."
Him:"Do you think she's tight?"
Me:"She a'ight."
Him:"But you'll take her to the show, though, wouldn't you?"
Me:(Thinking)"Yeah, a'ight, I guess i'd take her to the show."
Him:"I know, you damn right you would. Hell yeah i'd take her to the show."

"That's my nigga, I smoke blunts with him."-( Expr.) This expression is frequently used by marijuana smokers to denote someone the smoker is friends with. There is no more powerful bond with a marijuana smoker than someone who is willing to indulge in smoking with them. This forms a bond that will last the rest of both smokers' lives. Many smokers typically lack long term enough memories to describe any real qualities about a person, yet oddly enough possess astounding memories in terms of the particular dates on which they've smoked weed and the persons they've smoked with on said dates. So when you ask them about a person's character, this is, more often than not, the response you'll get. If it is a person who has not smoked weed with the pot smoker in question, be wary of them at all costs. This one is to be used 'tongue-in-cheek'ly by non-smokers (or casual smokers) to denote anyone that person is good friends with, or anyone in particular a person likes.


"Who's he?"
"Who, him?"
"Yeah, who's that guy?"
"Oh, he cool people. That's my nigga, I smoked blunts with him."

Yay long -( Expr.) This expression is used ironically, to describe a thing that is not very long. (Note, this expression is used in conjunction with the hands, which are held out in front of the speaker, pointer fingers extended, typically five inches apart or less.) One of the common uses for this expression is to describe a man who is not well-endowed.

Ex.: She left her last boyfriend because he was about yay long.

Yay short -( Expr.) This expression is used ironically, to describe something that is very long. (Note, this expression is used in conjunction with the hands, which are held out in front of the speaker, pointer fingers extended, roughly twelve inches apart or more.) One of the common uses for this expression is to describe a man who is extremely well-endowed.

Ex: Slim won't leave ya nuthin' when he hits, because he's about yay short.

See: Yay long.

"You couldn'tve did that if we was in The Pen- ( Expr.) This saying is very familiar to anyone who has spent time in jail (i.e. "The Pen"), or knows someone who has. Many times, someone who has spent a substantial amount of time in jail finds themselves unable to cope with how the "real world" works. They will frequently take offense to a person's doing things that, in jail, would be criminal offenses demanding that the offending person be shanked or anally raped for committing in their presence. So therefore, they will use this expression... A LOT.

Ex: You know what; he couldn'tve did that shit if we was in the pen. Boyyyyyyy, if we was in the pen i'da beat that boy head in.

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Saturday, June 16, 2007


Well damn, N.C.H.S.*, huh? (*See Lexicon.) Look closer, read the face on this watch. (Particularly the red letters.) Tell me if it says the same thing to you that it does to me?

Here's a closer look.

Global conspiracy to insert racial epithets into wrist apparel, or a friendly reminder of why not to buy cheap ass watches from Wal-Mart. You decide.

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Here's Your Sign(s)

Here're a few signs i've noticed in my day-to-day life, and I just thought i'd share them with everybody.

I happened to notice this one while passing through a neighborhood in West Monroe. I got a laugh out of it so I thought i'd share it. Funny thing, the lady it belonged to noticed me taking a picture of it using my Treo and she walked over, saying, "You like my sign?" She went on to tell me that she's gotten plenty of people coming through looking at it, taking pictures, etc. Real friendly lady.

Heh, funny. When you're in the ghetto, it's a "Dead End" street. When you're in a... *ahem* Well Housed Internally Terrestrial Enterprise neighborhood, however, it simply has "No Outlet". Sheesh, who's over the street works crew, the guy from the "Grey Poupon" commercial.

Case in point. Heh... but no, seriously, I just found it funny that they were so honest about it. It's like, "Hey, this's a crappy street and we know it. Live with it."

And finally, this is one I snapped at a convenience store in Mangham, Louisiana. Gotta love good old fashioned country town stores.

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Friday, June 15, 2007

The Best Commercial Ever!


What's funniest about this is, you know Mr. T. only hit him with a Snickers bar because that's the closest thing he had handy. If he had been holding a wrench, or something heavier, this would've been a completely different commercial. Afterwards, Mr. T was quoted as saying, "What, what Snickers commercial? What is this jibba jabba you're talking about!? I was just beating up some crazy fool!"

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Saturday, June 2, 2007

And now a message from one of our sponsors...

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Saigon vs. Atlantic, Round 1

More delays are on the way for those of you who are anticipating Sai-Giddy's, aka
Saigon's debut LP, "The Greatest Story Never Told". (Man, if these delays keep up, this is going to be one tragically ironic title, eh?) Anyway, on Sai's myspace page he posted the following while also insinuating that if nothing gives soon, he may very well leak the album himself:

"pleassssse dont believe that the hold up of my album has ANYTHING to do with me or my work ethic or my rate of producing GREAT music...If you go to YOUTUBE and type in JBTV Saigon you will hear snippets of my album that Atlantic doesnt seem to have the desire to release...I just think the once great Atlantic Records has been belittled down to a home of ringtone making artists, like they sign the great jingle writers and real artist like Myself dont get a chance to showcase my musical abilities...I feel like Tupac now...Its me against the world... not to worry though, my fans WILL hear my entire album very soon whether they put it out or not.. If they donnt I will and let yall be the judge of if the music is GREAT or not....Im beginning to think that being my album is geared toward the betterment and not the destruction of my people the powers that be dont wanna release it... Greatest Story Never Told coming this Summer...regardless...."

Click here to read the full post.

Sai's a tricky fellow, though, and he's known for doing attention getting moves like this. Such as apparently self-releasing a track entitled "Saigon diss to g-unit", knowing that the title would get people's attention. Only to have him personally say on the track, "I know what ya'll thought y'all was gonna see. You thought I was gonna diss my niggas, huh, G-Unit?" He then proceeds to praise G-Unit, and perform an entirely different song. (Remember when The Game's album, Doctor's Advocate was supposedly leaked, only to find out it'd been leaked by the Game himself, and few if any of the songs being leaked were actually on the album. Have to admit, ingenious way to thwart bootleggers and drum up interest for your album.) So this could very well be yet another red herring by him, but then again, it could be authentic, as his album has been delayed for quite some time now. It looks genuine, though. Either way, this one should be interesting to see.

(Oh, and another one for the MIBS Files-- Why the hell wasn't Sai put out as soon as he got put on Entourage. That publicity was priceless for him. For God's sake, who the fizzuck's in charge over there, Dopey the dwarf?!)

For those of you who are unfamiliar with Saigon, Sai-Giddy, Tha Yardfather, etc., in the words of Clinton Sparks, "Get Familiar!"

Abandoned Nation.

Saigon on Myspace.

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And now it's time for our first edition of "Give This Star a Porn Name", the hot new game where we take the name of a mainstream actor and give them a porn certified equivalent. From Janet Jackson was born "Janet Jacme". From Wesley Snipes of course we have Wesley Pipes. Now it's your turn. Give this actor a proper porn themed alter ego. (Winner to be announced.) For bonus points, pornify one of his movies. "Wesley Pipes" and "Woody Harrysack" in... "The Money Shot", that sort of thing.


Have fun!

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The Secret Lives of Porn Stars

Have you ever wondered what porn stars do in their free time? I know I have. I'm endlessly fascinated by the lives porn stars live after the cameras have gone away. Like, say, what does Mr. Marcus do when he gets recognized on the street? What does Sean Michaels do when he's with his girlfriend out in public and other women notice him and start flirting. (Because she's seen or heard about his *big* reputation in the industry, and wants to see for herself if it's true.) For that matter, what does his girlfriend do? How do you even go home to a girlfriend if you're in porn, after you just got done knocking off 5 supergorgeous 6'0" tall fine porn chicks willing to do any freaky thing you could possibly imagine, and better than any regular girl could ever do it? Even if your girl was equally as talented, equally as fine, how do you even manage to get it up again after having had sex ten times already that day. How can you possibly even sustain any interest in it?

For that matter, how does a porn star's boyfriend/girlfriend react to their doing porn in the first place? How can you be Pinky's boyfriend if you're an average man and she just got done getting reamed out by Wesley Pipes, who's kneecapping it? Even the most secure man must be tempted every now and again to wonder if he's as good as her last porn partner. ("You never make all those sounds when you're with me."-- And yes, I know a lot of times they're just acting for the camera, but still...) How do Kobe Tai's parents react to their daughter being practically the most popular Asian woman in American porn. How did any of them even get into porn in the first place?!

There's virtually an endless assortment of questions you could ask.

Which is why i've yet to understand why no network has done a reality show yet based around the life of a porn star. Sure, they've gotten close, with E!'s "Girls Next Door", but that show doesn't go far enough. Plus, it's on E!, so everything we see is going to be tame and watered down anyway. Imagine a reality show on HBO, that shows the real warts in a porn star's life (err... no pun intended there) all the gritty stuff you always wonder about but never ask. HBO itself even comes close, with it's "Cathouse: The Series" but there are numerous glaringly obvious questions that the show never dares to answer. I want to see more about these girls' personal lives, away from the ranch. But then, I guess that'd be another show altogether, then, wouldn't it?

Or what about a show based on the lives of young, up and coming girls trying to break into the industry? Imagine: "America's Next Top Pornstar". Or "So You Think You Can Suck"? Err, maybe, "Extreme F**kover: Porn Valley Edition". Or something...

And as much as i'd like to be the guy who gets this show off the ground, where do I go with it? Who do I take it to? (That is to say, who'll ACTUALLY LISTEN and be able to do anything with it.) And I have no doubt that a few months (or years) from now, someone with way more money and connections in the industry that I have will eventually do this show; it'll be a ratings monster and he/she will doubtless make millions off of it,

But man I been sayin'...

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Friday, May 11, 2007

Gettin' My Grumpy Ol' Man on...

... or "Now excuse me while I whip this out."
"Man I been sayin'..." I can't tell you how many times i've said those words. Every time something happens that I knew would happen, i'm always compelled to tell my friends, "Man, I been sayin' that was gonna happen." What I want this blog to be is an online record of my various predictions and observations about the world. I do see it, I see stuff coming time and time again. It rarely surprises me when it happens, but the egotist in me always wants credit for saying, "I said it first!" So this blog will be my attempt at that, a daily (or semi-daily) account of my thoughts on the world and it's people, and where I see things going in music, fashion, pop culture, etc.

I remember seeing a young adult movie star named "Honey" in a film with Mr. Marcus and being so impressed with her "talents" that I exclaimed to my friends, "Someone who's got skills like that should be a superstar."

And even as the words left my lips I remember even thinking to myself, "Man, what a nutty thing to say. She's a porno chick for God's sake, how could she ever become famous." And now... well, let's just say she doesn't go by "Honey" anymore.

It took me awhile to even realize that she was the girl from the video. I think it was around the time she appeared on Oprah and the rumors started swirling that she'd done porn before. (I remember thinking, "Hell, 'Superhead'?!! Who the hell is Superhead!?? You want to see Superhead, put on Mr. Marcus' Neighborhood and go find 'Honey'. Now THAT'S what you call "Superhead"! Heh... irony. ) But when I heard the porn rumors that's when it finally clicked. I was like, there's no way there can be TWO of them.

*Sob sob* They grow up so fast.

But man I been sayin'....

I remember thinking, in the late 90's, that I couldn't understand how The South hadn't taken over Hip Hop yet. I distinctly recall standing at a gas station one day and hearing a beat that just grabbed me. It has a nasty bass line and the drums were just hard as hell. After hearing one of the rappers spit a few bars, I realized what he just said had been ingrained in my memory. Don't get me wrong, his words weren't what i'd call anything remotely resembling a high bar of lyrical content, but it's just that some Southern rappers have such an audacity to their words that you can't help but remember them. For example:

A bad bitch, she wanted me to stay a l'il longer,
I'da put the dick up on her but I had a flight to catch.

-Webbie, "Wipe Me Down" ( L'il Boosie ft. Webbie)

Upper Echelon of lyrical ability, no. But how can you NOT remember this line.

And again, don't get me wrong, I love lyrical hip hop. In fact, that's what prompted me to notice the song. At the time I was hungry for an East Coast artist whose music had that visceral thump to it; something you can ride to AND nod your head too. And I sorely miss really talented lyricists. Anyone who can bless the mike gets HUGE props from me. (Saigon, Cory Gunz, Jae Millz, L'il Wayne, Soulja Slim, Juvenile, Scarface, The Game, Eminem, and all the late great gods in the game go without sayin'--> Pun, Pac, L, Big, etc.) But I just couldn't understand why something so visceral, something that just aims directly for the most basic part of a person's being, wasn't massively popular. Flash forward to the present and... well... y'know.

I remember saying, WAAAAY when Gremlins came out, that they should make the Mogwai into kids' toys. I remember continuing to say it for years afterwards; I couldn't conceive how NO ONE had had this idea. The creatures were (and remain) incredibly well-designed possible toys. (Hell, I know always wanted to play with one.) And then one day, this comes out.

It was like TIGER Corp. said, "Whaaaa.... you don't want these millions of dollars lying on the ground, Warner Brothers. Well, we'll take them." (I later learned of course that there HAD in fact been toys, but I don't think they were nearly as aggressively marketed as Furbies were. (And I was young; I wanted one, but never saw them anywhere!) Warner even had a partnership with Tiger and produced a Mogwai based Furby.

That's like Coca-Cola doing a deal to sell Coke that tastes like Pepsi. Or McDonald's entering into a deal with Burger King to sell Big Macs that look like Whoppers. Which further verifies my opinion that Warner had (have) no idea the goldmine they were (are) sitting on with Gizmo.

Yes, i've gone from talking about Karrine "Superhead" Steffans and porn, to Hip Hop, Mogwai, Furbies and Coca-Cola. This, in essence, is what my blog will be. One part rambling, one part my observations on things, one part news, as well as a well-documented account of those times that, "I saw it first."

Now, if you'll pardon me, "Excuse me while I whip this out."

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